WHEN MEN HOVER AROUND WOMEN

So this is what being in your 30s looks like. This is what it means to thoroughly think through decisions and make only the ones that would affect me positively through the coming years. Now I think of the kind of men that could be coming, the kind of men that I dated and the kind of men that are around me now. The men around me now seem more mature than the men I met while in my bloody 20s. My thoughts though! For real, the men now want the same thing: Sex, Sex, Sex and more Sex. They come up with different tactics to get this. Just one or two that probably want a relationship but then they get impatient and jet-out leaving you wondering what their intentions were in the first place.
These days my hormones seem to be all over the place and with palms to my cheeks I wonder why it’s harder to find a good man to be with in my 30s than my bloody 20s. The nights have become lonely with tears of me wanting the breath from a strong, handsome man down my neckline and back. Hands around my waist assuring me that tomorrow will be a better day or just a call to that ‘beautiful man’ nagging about my work, my annoying sisters or my best friends. If there’s one thing I have come to notice, at 30 a lot of men will hover around you and leave you to time and chance. They let you think something must be wrong with you by being mute about their intentions towards you. Then you take these men unconsciously with you through your 30s and before you know it, BAAAAM!!! 40! And very much single.

I met this guy I’ll refer to as ‘Mr O’ .  A tall, handsome, single man with an Einstein brain for making money. He’s everything a girl could ask for and a bag of Chips but he’s a very stereotyped Igbo man. Only a few would understand his person. You can’t tell Mr.O to try something new, he would give you 7 reasons why his choice stands. Strange that someone as uptight as Mr O can have a healthy sense of humor. Strange. The problem with Mr.O is, he is very slow and meticulous. He takes his time in studying people and most times I feel like I’m under his microscope waiting for various experiments to happen to test my patience. Many months have gone by and I wonder why he hasn’t stepped a foot forward to ask me out. What could he possibly be looking for in me? And if I wasn’t his type, why won’ he just free me and move on to the next woman?

Another one, ‘Yoruba guy’ who doesn’t know what to do with me cos we are so much alike. Yoruba guy is another fine, smart, single dude. The social media guy. One I can totally date but being so much alike, we quarreled a lot. The chemistry is amazing but we both know nothing can come out from our union. Someone might just die (LOL) but he won’t GO!!! Why? It’s beyond me.

Then there’s ‘Slim‘, who left me for another girl his heart yearned for. Things having not worked out between them got him back in my nest and I have no idea what he wants now.

Oh yea!! The shy ‘Business man’ who’s in love with me but finds it hard to express himself……

Geez!!!! Don’t get me wrong, I feel there’s more for me out there and not necessarily any one of the male scenarios up there but in a situation whereby I have these men around me, I can only ask in pidgin English- “How I wan see road’? How do I see others out there? How do I meet THE ONE? Could any one of these men be the chosen one? Why do men hover around women without saying what they want? They just want to be there and act like they are already in a relationship with you without your knowledge. They tell you things like Hey Baby, I miss you , Let’s take each day as it comes, Let’s start as being good friends, Why haven’t you replied my pings all day , You have gone cold suddenly, I like you a lot , And you would make a good wife o ….  Life would be a lot easier if men stated their intentions and women respond according. Don’t waste her time hovering around like a monkey and unconsciously confusing the next man who might have better intentions. Quit making her feel like she’s yours when you’ve done nothing to make her yours. Own her. STEP FORWARD, SPEAK OUT,state your case. What’s the worse that she could say- YES or NO? While I’ve decided to wait for the one whose heart and mine will beat as one, I will begin the week by getting rid of the male-hovers around me. All of you must go. In case you fall under this category, speak now and let me give you my final answer. You might think Age is nothing but a number but someone also said-Time waits for nobody.  I rest my case.

 

As a Nigerian, I can’t be like ‘RUTH’.

Scrolling through my recent BBM feeds, I came across Elbama’s instagram photo(See below). At first I didn’t care what the pix meant until about 5mins later it got to me. It seemed that the person who created that photo was in total support of a woman making her intentions known to a man first and asking him out on a date. He stood for a vast majority of Nigerian men who shared the same school of thought.
I remember when i met this fine young man a few years back. We exchanged numbers and we started what i thought was a very happy FRIENDSHIP. At some point I wanted more and often wondered why he wouldn’t ask me to be his girlfriend. I struggled emotionally with this up until the night I decided to take the bull by its horns. I invited him for dinner to set the mood right(As a sharp babe). Then I interrupted his conversation and blurted out “Would you be my boyfriend?”… shocked to his toe nails, he asked “where did that come from“? I replied ” I like you a whole lot Nonso (fake name though), you make me laugh and put me on the path to be better. Everyday with you is a slice of heaven and I want that every time. With you, I am ME everyday and you have a special way of making me feel sexy…” bla bla bla. Nonso sat there looking like he just saw two girls making out(every guy’s fantasy) and I sat there feeling weird for being forward and putting my feelings on the table but I also felt cool like a disciple of Shakespeare with those lines of mine. Nonso mentioned how excited he was I was able to get my feelings out and he replied “The feeling is mutual“. Which bloody mutual? After all I said, is that what he could come up with? Being the psycho-analyst that I am, my analysis of words can be classified as my own ‘high‘. I analyzed those words of his and began to have the feeling my being open was the reason for this. I watched Nonso become distant from me over the following days and an accidental comment from his friend confirmed this.
I met his friend at the store and told him how Nonso had been distant, he laughed uncontrollably. I felt so embarrassed ‘cos as he was having his good lengthy laugh, I stood there feeling awkward. He held my left shoulder and told me that I had messed up by being forward and throwing my romantic words at Nonso. He accused me of reading too many books and watching romantic movies (romantic movies suck!!!). I left the punk feeling hurt but mostly mad at myself for being open to Nonso. Of ‘cos we didn’t date anymore, I messed up everything or maybe not(I liked him sha)

Today, I really read the story of Ruth and wondered how she would have thrived with these Nigerian men who think that a woman is spooky or cheap for asking a guy out on a date. Although I once dated a guy for 4years whom I asked out. When it ended(my fault though)over such a trivial issue that wasn’t a cheating case, I realized I was the one fighting for a come-back but it never happened. He didn’t want it. Perhaps things would have been different if he had asked me out initially. Maybe or may be not.
Back to Ruth. I refuse to believe Ruth having stayed for so long in Bethlehem had not scoped the city for eligible bachelors. She had no child and she was young. Why would she not want to remarry? Why follow Naomi if she didn’t have the intention of still being married into the same family? She must have sighted Boaz in the city square and heard a few gossips here and there. The she decides to work in his fields (how convenient Ruthy) Now tell me, if I tell you I want to work in a company because I like its bachelor owner and can become his wife, won’t you call me a BAD CHIC or a CRAZY CHIC?? Naomi decides to help Ruth make a move on Boaz and she agreed. Ruth had a choice of modestly refusing but Alas!!!… Naughty Ruth who appears to be a saint decides to make a move on Boaz and gets into his room. He sees her early hours of the morning and rather than talk about the stars and sheep, she begs him to take her for a wife(Chai! Madam RUTH!!!). Imagine a Nigerian woman in her mid 30’s begging a man to marry her, he’d probably say “ I’m taking my time” or probably feel she has a chronic disease. Imagine a girl in her mid 20’s doing the same, he’d probably ask “what’s the rush?”. Every woman loves the idea of being chased and the man being the winner of the prize but the truth is, no man wants a woman to come forth to beg for marriage. Society would tag her cheap and DESPERATE!!! The dispensation of Ruth and Queen Esther is long gone. Nigerian men want to be egoistic in their search for a girlfriend or a wife(depending on their priorities). No Nigerian woman wants to be tagged cheap and desperate. Our society mocks the bold and courageous woman who can do it, Unlike Amrika American chics who receive an applause for this. How? Don’t let me start with a speech on culture and Land of the free bla bla bla… As much as being blunt and open and seems admirable to some select Nigerian men, it’s always considered dangerous when a woman tends to be the forward one in a case of “Boy-meets-girl” , she can be taken for granted 98% of the time. Wanna risk it?

Dear Nigerian single women, don’t be pushed by DPs of this nature or words from different angles of society. A man must find you, chase you and ask you to be his. there’s no code-of-conduct to this just one of the silent laws of Human Nature. Keep your emotions to yourself until you are sure it’s okay to say how you feel which should be done in response to a guy’s feelings towards you. Don’t cheapen thyself into asking him out on a date or for marriage. I prefer mind games(I’m quite a champion at this) into getting the information I need. Think about it, Won’t it be sweeter if we had to say ” after all you begged me to marry you” rather than the other way round?

IN PURSUIT OF HAPPINESS…….

 

🎵🎵”It’s the most wonderful time of the year🎄”……… Hello loves❤! It’s been a while right? Well, I’m doing fine. A lot has happened to me and I’m taking time out to pat myself on the back👍✋ After the break up, I thought I was gonna be sad forever and ever but heyyyyyyyy, I don’t know what Jesus took away but he sure gave me JOY. My pastor preached all through the month of November on JOY and I can say I have contacted it*hoots* . its december and there shouldn’t be any room for sadness oooo…. say NO to SADNESS biko! So I picked up a new interest and hope to transform it into a money making venture come 2014. Wanna know? Of cos I’d tell you.. My loves, that is how I decided to learn how to make and style hair but am still at 100level. I know some of us know how to weave but yours truly didn’t know at first so I used to 👀 this woman who comes to braid my sister’s hair and I went on YouTube to further understand this phenomenon of weaving. I’m trying, not yet there but eventually. I give myself till March to be a pro☝by God’s grace. Ok, what else haven’t I told you…. I got a JOB! It’s every Saturday though but it’s gonna increase this week. I got a job to be an Aerobics/Dance Instructor at a gym somewhere in Lekki(Nigeria)… It’s been fun. On my 1st day I expected to see 10 people but God sent 25 lovely women to the gym and it was maaaaad fun. I have been trying to get back my size 6 shape(with Jah all things are possible)😇…. Starting a class for kids too. It’s not the kind of Job I want but I know God is working something out for me. I am grateful. 2014 is gonna be AWESOME!!! I’m saving up for my birthday.
 
I ve decided to spend my birthday(Jan4) ALONE, having dinner at Four points or Oriental with a bottle of red wine, chocolate cakes and selfies(pics of me).. no man is invited, no thoughts of sex or any male related wahala(including menstrual pain) will be entertained. It’s gonna be a selfish day, why? Cos I deserve it💃…. Will update you don’t worry. Anyways, I still feel I should encourage some of us out there who are yet to find their Mr Right👤 don’t worry, the right man for you will come and when he comes,he will stay with you regardless. Be strong, don’t be pressured by the society which sometimes include Church/friends, live your life and be happy with whatever decision you make just as long as it doesn’t hurt you and doesn’t take you away from God’s presence. Also remember, I am not married yet, I don’t have a boyfriend but I have Christ. I don’t want to sound so spiritual and unrealistic but I would tell the truth, God has a way of lifting our heads(single chics), he hasn’t forgotten us. Sometimes at night when I feel so lonely and haven’t received a single call the entire day, I go to God and pray. The tears 😩 come but I feel like I hear God say ‘its done my child just be patient’ and he shuts my mouth and sends me to sleep. I know what you’re going through cos I’m in it. Trust God, the ‘Abraham-kinda-trust’ and everything good WILL come eventually. Don’t compromise, get busy. Restrain yourself from scrolling through your phone book and looking for that Ex that will give you hard rough sex😒😏🙈🙊……of what use will the rough,nail marks kinda sex be if he’s not serious about you. You will know the right man, cos he will stay ‘regardless’…..Until my next post, let my beautiful happy face inspire you to live life happy and full of JOY…..😘
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💋💋💋
Thelma

“ALL IS WELL THAT ENDS WELL”

How do I start and finish this post using the right words. As much as I hurt deeply at the moment, this post has to be written. People make marriage look easy like they didn’t suffer while dating. This is why I write, I write my joy,sorrow,pain,confusion and all cos someone out there needs to relate to it and be strong. People who know me will tell you I’m very expressive and open(I could be shameless)…So, for those who wonder why I blog about personal stuff(says who sef?) I hope you’re satisfied(who cares really?

ANYWAYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!(Back to the matter)

 Babe and I started our relationship 11months and today, we ENDED it(Rather, he did)!!!! As much as a lot of you would expect me to cut my hair, burn my clothes, bury my head in shame, I cannot and will NOT do it. Why? ‘Cos this is the life I signed up for(MY LIFE,YOUR LEARNING POINT) remember? Good! The truth is, as much as we both love each other, when one person’s love ‘DROPS’ it’s time to get up and leave… I saw the signs but I was adamant in making the relationship work. As much as women love their men to go hustle, we want quality time too. How a man creates time for you reveals his love for you. If a man finds it difficult to come visit you or when he sees you he refuses to wear a smile, honey! Wake up and smell the coffee. So today I waited for ‘THE CALL’ and it came. So Babe and I are done. I refuse to go into details cos I have to protect him and all BUT I’m happy it happened(wait!let me explain)… I would have settled. That’s not what LOVE is supposed to be. I don’t want to settle, I want to be happy all the days. And at the same time, its not right for Babe to go on feeling like he MUST love me or he should settle. NO! He has every right to make up his mind and for this I appreciate him. He refused going on in order not to waste my time(tears) but this parting is BEST(tears). Whether we would come back again is a rhetoric for now. I hope to be his friend(if I’m strong enough)after this… God knows I learnt a lot from this relationship. The few times Babe loved me, he loved me well. He wrote right the wrongs of Ex boyfriends(standing ovation) and I’m happy to have enjoyed ‘US’ while we lasted. Too bad we couldn’t celebrate our 1st anniversary, I was planning a trip(tears)… So here I am, taking Jesus’ hand into my heart and saying ‘take my pain Lord and turn it into gain’…. It’s not the end of the world(smiles)….I’m hot, brilliant and sexy(hoots) in a few months I’d be back on the dating scene(sips wine) having worked on myself. I wish Babe all the best in the world(for real) and pray that he finds a woman who will love him like he deserves… Who says all relationships MUST end in marriage.

 

 

 

 “God gave me a good man, he loved me and is gone….

God who gave would give another one

Pain and tears won’t reverse today

Love begun and now its gone”

 

 

 

“LOVE HIS LANGUAGE”

ImageHAPPY NEW YEAR FRIENDS!!!!!

Amazing things have happened to me since my last post, Family, Spiritually, with close friends, projects, relationship. Yes! I said RELATIONSHIP. I’m in a relationship with a fine young man. It’s been an amazing journey but I remember the prayers

I made to God before he came along. I practically nagged God ‘cos I told him how
lonely I was and reminded him that he created me with so much emotion. I was
so lonely I started talking to myself every night. God must have been so tired of
my prayers and my guardian angel soliciting for me that he had no option but
to bless me. I’m sure my ‘BABE’ won’t want me spilling the story of how we began
dating but it’s been a strange and refreshing journey because I thought I loved in
the past but now I know I didn’t. I know what love is. Love is a VERB. Don’t get me
wrong here please! I don’t want to sound like I have everything on relationship
all figured out, I am learning just the same way as you are. I have come to realize
that God channels his love through different people, so BABE is simply channeling
God’s love to me. There I was wondering if I could find someone that would love
me and If I could love again after all that went down last year*Sigh* God played
a fast one on me and I’m enjoying it. Even if things don’t lead to marriage with
BABE and me, I know deep down in my heart what love is and wouldn’t settle
for less in my next relationship. I guess the most difficult thing in a relationship is
knowing each other’s LOVE LANGUAGE. Thanks to Gary Chapman the author of
5 LOVE LANGUAGES (please get this book), I know how I should show love and
most importantly how to receive it. Yea! Yea! We know Love is kind, patient, and
so on, BUT we should know how to love that MAN of ours in these modern times
if we want to keep him. Have you taken out time to study his LOVE LANGUAGE?
Just in case you do not know what Gary Chapman means by LOVE LANGUAGES,
it means those things we need the other person (in a relationship or marriage) to
do, to prove to us that we are loved. The 5 Love languages are PHYSICAL TOUCH,
QUALITY TIME, GIFTS, WORDS OF AFFIRMATION, And ACTS OF SERVICE.

It is important that we learn this early so it’s not too foreign, not too difficult
and not too late for us in marriage. These love languages are for both Men and
Women but this post is for the dudes.

PHYSICAL TOUCH: He’s driving or you both are walking along the beach or your
street, hold his hand, touch his face, and give him occasional pecks, regular hugs,
playful punches ….. It may not mean anything to you but to him he feels you are
thinking of him or you can’t just do without him (even if you probably can). It
sends an emotional signal only he understands. It’s a continuous process ladies
and not a one week practice.

QUALITY TIME: take him out for lunch or dinner. Go visit with popcorn and a
movie, go swimming, join him in watching soccer or play basket ball with his
friends, take him to the beach for a sandy stroll by the shore… Be creative. If you
cannot do this in your relationship, you’ll find it difficult in marriage. Let’s stop
being selfish divas.

WORDS OF AFFIRMATION: Some men grow up feeling not good enough for
their parents. Like everything they did never pleased them. The need to be
appreciated beckons reason why when they are in a relationship, they want to
be appreciated for every efforts made. So get off your high horses women and
use words like ‘You did great’, ‘that was amazing’, ‘you are brilliant’, ‘I appreciate
you’, ‘I love the way you….’, ‘ you are the greatest’(even if he’s not). Make his ego
feel a lot better by these words. Give him a daily dose of this and watch what he
does for you.

ACTS OF SERVICE: Personally I think this particular language cannot be that of a
Nigerian man (lol) and it is more of a woman’s language than a man but let me
just say what It entails. There are men who want you to do certain things for
them to show you love them. Take out the trash, clean up the house, the kitchen,
help him shop, make a nice meal help with bank errands and all… Those who
have this language need to see (literally) the love you have for them. My problem
with this particular love language is that some men take advantage of this which
automatically makes the woman in question an EKAETTE (local house help).

I would send packing any Nigerian man who has this love language (or maybe
not…Lol)

GIFTS: This love language is not for us alone. We live in an era where only the
guys do the buying of the gifts- Christmas, New Year, Birthday, Valentine, Easter,
worker’s holiday, independence day etc. That’s just not fair. Get him a gift just
because you love him on a rugged Monday morning. A gift shouldn’t be expensive
so don’t say you don’t have money. I know we can go overboard when we want
to buy stuff for the men in our lives but we can go low key with T-shirts, wrist
band, socks, after-shave, pedicure set, belts, books, cufflinks ….. Just give him
something that would make him know you think of him. Remember ladies, ‘GIVE
and it will come back to you’. Practice this monthly or weekly, according to your
pocket. Don’t overdo it so you don’t go broke. Please.

Ladies, take out time to study him and find out what his love language is and work
it out in peace and purity of heart and body. Guide him tenderly in knowing your
own love language too. We all need our love tank to be filled by the primary love
language that best describes us so don’t love him in your own language but his.
Not all men interpret SEX to be their primary love languge. OK? It will take a while
but be dedicated in working it out. Don’t do it because you want to keep him, do
it because it will help you communicate better in a relationship regardless of who
the dude is. When you learn to speak love languages that you are not necessarily
comfortable with, you are showing a form of selfless love that speaks for itself. It
shows you are genuine and your love is real. I am still in the process of learning
BABE’s Love language and MY GOD! It is hard because it’s not something I can
easily do. We both grew up without toys and while he wants to be pampered, I
want to be left alone (crazy huh?). I have to learn to love BABE selflessly, not for
him but for myself. It gives me a glimpse of how God loves me. Let’s us all try and
love differently this year, a love that is NOT selfish but selfless, a love that isn’t
just in words but in ACTION, a love which isn’t a NOUN but a VERB. I’m ready, are
you?

Say NO TO METHUSELAH COURTSHIP

When this topic hit me early this morning, I laughed at myself because I knew my friends would say ‘thermochic has come again’. Indeed I have. For those who don’t know Methuselah, he was Noah’s grandfather,the oldest man in the bible who lived for 969years. Adding courtship right after grandpa Methuselah will give you a better understanding of what this post is all about. Courtship is and should be the coming together of a man and woman who just made a commitment to themselves to walking down the aisle and live as Man and wife. I do not know how courtship is done around the world as I am not well travelled,don’t have foreign friends and don’t believe the Mills and Boon stories however, I am aware of how it’s done in my country- Nigeria. What I see these days are women prematurely tied down and emotionally spent in their relationships of more than 4years. I, personally believe that a man who can walk up to a girl and state his intentions for a relationship knows already if she is a wife ‘fabric’ or not. What I see these days are relationships going as far as 7,8,9,10years. My sister(now married) dated her husband for almost 13years,by the 13th year they were married. At some point they had a misunderstanding and her husband(boyfriend back then) called off the relationship, my sister attempted suicide. Silly girl!! Her words were “Where would I start from?” “Who would marry me in my 30’s?” And she was just 31 when it happened. I hate to think that there are still girls who are so comfortable and happy celebrating 9years of being some guy’s GIRLFRIEND. Why put yourself through all that emotional drama? Some girls are frustrated but cannot do anything but stay put there in uncertainty. I won’t talk about sex in a relationship that has been on for 7years because I know for sure you both are getting ‘some’ but know this,that the guys who put their girlfriends through this are selfish, self centered and self seeking. You hear the guys use words like ‘don’t worry very soon’ or ‘ I will marry you,don’t worry’ WHEN? Is it when she’s in her mid 30’s or early 30’s? At that stage if the relationship doesn’t work out,the girls are either suicidal or depressed. This is the part where all the religious houses become filled up with spinsters in late 30’s. Why date a girl for 8/9years? What exactly aren’t you sure of? For me, 4years is the highest I can go. We know each other for a year plus, by the 2nd year put a ring my finger already, by the third year we have over a year to plan(with God’s help) our wedding and by the fourth year can we just get to the altar already. If you need more than a year to get to know me before you propose, then we both are unreal to each other.

A friend of mine on my BBM and I were chatting and I asked if her boyfriend had proposed and she said “No. He’s taking his time,we don’t want to rush into anything”. What I could deduce from those words were ‘Nne what can I do? I’ve been begging him for a ring,biko I’ve left him to God’. They have been dating for over 7years without a break. Seriously? Another friend of mine wants a child from his girlfriend he adores and loves so much but he too is taking his time. May I ask, WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR? If you say you are not ready,why ask her out in the first place? And if you say it’s money, why not work hard,save up then ask the young lady out? Men, stop wasting our time, lives and emotions. Do you want us to be worn out early in marriage(to you or not)? It is true that women know in less than 6months if the man she’s with is husband ‘fabric’,why do guys need 5years for this? Is this how long it took you before you put Unilag as your first choice? Is this how long it took you before you moved out of your parents’ house? Is this how long it took you to know that Jesus Christ is Lord? Then why the wait? Please step up your game and put a ring on it. She warms your bed, cooks your food, does your laundry,cleans your house, talks to your mother and sisters, attends family functions in aso ebi with you, you might as well just MARRY HER.

Young ladies, pregnancy is not the way to speed up a proposal. Ask that man who is interested in you what his plans are. State it from the beginning that you don’t want a courtship as long as Bourdillon road and as old as Yaba. Then again, if you don’t mind spending more than 4years with your man, know that you are setting yourself up for depression.
Today, let’s just say I am slightly worried about this long relationships happening everywhere, the new fad it seems. I may not have the perfect of relationships, I may not be a professional writer or counselor, I may be too weird in my thinking but if there’s one thing you must know ladies,is that THERMOCHIC is saying NO TO METHUSELAH COURTSHIP……(lol)