As a Nigerian, I can’t be like ‘RUTH’.

Scrolling through my recent BBM feeds, I came across Elbama’s instagram photo(See below). At first I didn’t care what the pix meant until about 5mins later it got to me. It seemed that the person who created that photo was in total support of a woman making her intentions known to a man first and asking him out on a date. He stood for a vast majority of Nigerian men who shared the same school of thought.
I remember when i met this fine young man a few years back. We exchanged numbers and we started what i thought was a very happy FRIENDSHIP. At some point I wanted more and often wondered why he wouldn’t ask me to be his girlfriend. I struggled emotionally with this up until the night I decided to take the bull by its horns. I invited him for dinner to set the mood right(As a sharp babe). Then I interrupted his conversation and blurted out “Would you be my boyfriend?”… shocked to his toe nails, he asked “where did that come from“? I replied ” I like you a whole lot Nonso (fake name though), you make me laugh and put me on the path to be better. Everyday with you is a slice of heaven and I want that every time. With you, I am ME everyday and you have a special way of making me feel sexy…” bla bla bla. Nonso sat there looking like he just saw two girls making out(every guy’s fantasy) and I sat there feeling weird for being forward and putting my feelings on the table but I also felt cool like a disciple of Shakespeare with those lines of mine. Nonso mentioned how excited he was I was able to get my feelings out and he replied “The feeling is mutual“. Which bloody mutual? After all I said, is that what he could come up with? Being the psycho-analyst that I am, my analysis of words can be classified as my own ‘high‘. I analyzed those words of his and began to have the feeling my being open was the reason for this. I watched Nonso become distant from me over the following days and an accidental comment from his friend confirmed this.
I met his friend at the store and told him how Nonso had been distant, he laughed uncontrollably. I felt so embarrassed ‘cos as he was having his good lengthy laugh, I stood there feeling awkward. He held my left shoulder and told me that I had messed up by being forward and throwing my romantic words at Nonso. He accused me of reading too many books and watching romantic movies (romantic movies suck!!!). I left the punk feeling hurt but mostly mad at myself for being open to Nonso. Of ‘cos we didn’t date anymore, I messed up everything or maybe not(I liked him sha)

Today, I really read the story of Ruth and wondered how she would have thrived with these Nigerian men who think that a woman is spooky or cheap for asking a guy out on a date. Although I once dated a guy for 4years whom I asked out. When it ended(my fault though)over such a trivial issue that wasn’t a cheating case, I realized I was the one fighting for a come-back but it never happened. He didn’t want it. Perhaps things would have been different if he had asked me out initially. Maybe or may be not.
Back to Ruth. I refuse to believe Ruth having stayed for so long in Bethlehem had not scoped the city for eligible bachelors. She had no child and she was young. Why would she not want to remarry? Why follow Naomi if she didn’t have the intention of still being married into the same family? She must have sighted Boaz in the city square and heard a few gossips here and there. The she decides to work in his fields (how convenient Ruthy) Now tell me, if I tell you I want to work in a company because I like its bachelor owner and can become his wife, won’t you call me a BAD CHIC or a CRAZY CHIC?? Naomi decides to help Ruth make a move on Boaz and she agreed. Ruth had a choice of modestly refusing but Alas!!!… Naughty Ruth who appears to be a saint decides to make a move on Boaz and gets into his room. He sees her early hours of the morning and rather than talk about the stars and sheep, she begs him to take her for a wife(Chai! Madam RUTH!!!). Imagine a Nigerian woman in her mid 30’s begging a man to marry her, he’d probably say “ I’m taking my time” or probably feel she has a chronic disease. Imagine a girl in her mid 20’s doing the same, he’d probably ask “what’s the rush?”. Every woman loves the idea of being chased and the man being the winner of the prize but the truth is, no man wants a woman to come forth to beg for marriage. Society would tag her cheap and DESPERATE!!! The dispensation of Ruth and Queen Esther is long gone. Nigerian men want to be egoistic in their search for a girlfriend or a wife(depending on their priorities). No Nigerian woman wants to be tagged cheap and desperate. Our society mocks the bold and courageous woman who can do it, Unlike Amrika American chics who receive an applause for this. How? Don’t let me start with a speech on culture and Land of the free bla bla bla… As much as being blunt and open and seems admirable to some select Nigerian men, it’s always considered dangerous when a woman tends to be the forward one in a case of “Boy-meets-girl” , she can be taken for granted 98% of the time. Wanna risk it?

Dear Nigerian single women, don’t be pushed by DPs of this nature or words from different angles of society. A man must find you, chase you and ask you to be his. there’s no code-of-conduct to this just one of the silent laws of Human Nature. Keep your emotions to yourself until you are sure it’s okay to say how you feel which should be done in response to a guy’s feelings towards you. Don’t cheapen thyself into asking him out on a date or for marriage. I prefer mind games(I’m quite a champion at this) into getting the information I need. Think about it, Won’t it be sweeter if we had to say ” after all you begged me to marry you” rather than the other way round?

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9 thoughts on “As a Nigerian, I can’t be like ‘RUTH’.

  1. Nice post. IMHO, I think you should understand that guys and ladies are different. Not all have same ideologies and judgements to same issues. Our personal orientation is the thing here. I for a couple of times have dated ladies who actually asked me out. I have turned down some marriage offers as well but on understandable notes and until date, I am still close friends with these ladies even as we don’t date anymore. A lady asking a guy out does not reduce her quality or bride price. Believe me, some of we guys are too shy to say the word even if you have spelt it out for them. Some of we men are happier when ladies approach us because we get that feel we are good looking, performing well and attractive too. *Who doesn’t want to be appreciated or feel loved*. Please, no need to discourage the Nigerian lady not to express herself where she can. Mind games don’t work all the time. You can miss your opportunity to nail down your choice man because you were busily playing your mind games not knowing he was the shy type. I bet you, a faster lady will take the bold step and get at him while you admire and keep wishing from afar.

  2. Even though Ruth made moves, she never opened her mouth to ask Boaz out. Even Esther never opened her mouth to ask the King out. But they made moves. I think what that signifies is that women shouldn’t be afraid to discreetly let the men they love know that they love them, without saying a word. If you ping a guy first doesn’t also mean you should ask him out. If you become very close to him and he’s still not asking you out, it mostly means he’s not interested…or he’s just not that into you. lol.

  3. Very true my dear! We all have to die in silence till he speaks o. Them Ruth days are so gone. But very on point and bold piece tho!!

  4. Nice job dear.. But its not absolute. Some great guys really can’t say the right words to a woman, they also lack confidence to approach. But the lady being suggestive gives him the room to make the move. The fact that some cheap guys make a mess of women who approach or are outspoken doesn’t mean men are totally like that. A few years back, I could talk to a crowd, train people professionally etc but I couldn’t talk to the lady I loved, my Flatmates told her the day she visited me for the first time and she confessed the feeling was mutual. If she had made the move 2 years behind, we wouldn’t have been ordinary friends then but lovers.. So Dear, it boils down to the lady, if you study the kinda guy he is, talk to him. And like I said in the beginning, its not absolute, and nothing is..

  5. Do you know how many girls in Bethlehem that dreamt of being Boaz’s wife?But do you know what Ruth did while other girls were wishing.She ‘positioned’ herself at the right place and at the right time(after Boaz must have had wine..hehehe).She used mind games..wisdom.Cities are conquered with wisdom.Only 2(the very shy ones) out of a thousand men will genuinely respect a woman who blurts out her feelings for a guy.Even if he loves her,it will always get to his head..always..

  6. I had this friend that I was madly in love with secretly (in my head) and we were great friends, really close and all for two years but he never said anything and I am naturally the “mute” type when it comes to love matters so I never said anything either. We were just there being super good friends. Two years ago, he got married and I was so “heartbroken” and everyone blamed me that I should have told him how I felt.

    I have of course moved on and accepted it as one of those hands fate deals us and consoled myself with the phrase that “it wasn’t what God wanted for me”. I however told myself I would be more forward and expressive if I found myself in that situation again. Then I met this other guy recently and gave it my “all”. I didn’t ask him out but I showed all the green, neon and purple lights that I was into him. 3 months later, guy told me “sorry dear, I know you care so much about me but I”m not feeling it” and boy, was I broken? I think I was more hurt ‘cos being forward had never been my MO, I am used to waiting and dying silently so this one hurt really bad. I am back again in my turtle shell and I’ve just decided to be me – the conservative chic. I’ll make all the right subtle moves to hint you that I”m digging you but I aint saying those words biko. So at least if things don’t go well, I wouldn’t be walking arnd feeling like I’m being laughed at. Naija men sha can be really annoying when it comes to stuff like this.

    So, my style and advice: pray, be smart, show the green lights but let him be the first to talk and if he doesn’t, then his loss. Be friends with him but head out to the fields like Ruth and look out for the one who would speak up eh.

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